Divorce comes with a whole host of hard-to-navigate issues, but spousal support (sometimes called alimony) might be the trickiest of all. Unlike child support payments, which are based on a fixed calculation, the terms, length, and total amount of spousal support are based on a range of factors and are generally left to the judge’s discretion in cases of divorce litigation. This sometimes leads to at least one spouse feeling that they’ve been treated unfairly, breeding resentment or financially motivated anxiety.
As an alternative divorce remedy, mediation can help alleviate these feelings by putting couples in control of their own financial destinies. Unlike litigation, which places the power in the judge’s hands, divorce mediation encourages couples to work together and communicate so they can find solutions that work for both parties. Is it difficult? Absolutely. Divorce is never an easy process and finding common ground can sometimes feel impossible when dealing with a soon-to-be former spouse. But the process of divorce mediation can empower you and your partner to dig deep, explore your motivations and needs, and eventually find solutions that are fair for everyone.
Basics of Spousal Support
The core idea behind spousal support is an acknowledgment that our obligations to our partners don’t necessarily end at the moment we file for divorce. Since no one should be forced to stay in a bad marriage for fear of a poor financial situation, spousal support acts as a kind of safety net until both partners are able to stand on their own two feet.
There are two types of spousal support: temporary and permanent. Temporary spousal support is a short-term award that’s designed to help the less financially secure spouse while the divorce is still pending. Generally, temporary support lasts for up to a few months and ends when the final decree of divorce has become official.
Permanent support is a long-term award granted by a judge or designated in a marital settlement agreement. Despite the name, permanent support isn’t actually meant to last forever. The idea is that permanent spousal support lasts until the receiver is able to support themselves financially. The length of a permanent alimony award is usually based on the length of the marriage, the current financial situations of both spouses, the age of the supported spouse, and several other factors. For marriages of less than 10 years, spousal support is capped at half the length of the marriage. For marriages of 10 years or longer, there is no set cap, so the length of the order is dependent on the agreement and the events that follow the end of the marriage.
Once spousal support has been awarded, the court continues to monitor the situation to make sure things are going smoothly. If the supporting spouse fails to make payments, the supported spouse can take them back to court and get what they’re owed. Conversely, if the supported spouse is making no effort to attain financial security on their own, the judge can issue a Gavron warning, which often places a deadline on the end of the award.
Resolving Spousal Support Through Mediation
By this point, you should already be getting a sense of why alimony is such a contentious issue in most divorce cases. Having your future financial situation in the hands of a judge is extremely stressful, and it can be frustrating if the final decision seems unfair to either party. Unfortunately, judges are human beings and do sometimes make mistakes, leading to orders that leave one or both parties feeling cheated.
This is the advantage of mediation. Rather than an adversarial method of dispute resolution with a single arbiter, mediation is more cooperative and leaves the final decisions in the hands of the divorcing couple themselves.
You can think of the mediation process as a negotiation with a little pinch of couple’s therapy. A mediator will focus on keeping the lines of communication between you and your spouse open, with emphasis on finding areas of common ground. There’s also a strong focus on digging deep and figuring out the true motivations behind your positions. Instead of arguing about what it is each of them wants from the other, divorcing couples going through mediation are encouraged to explore their motivations and plans for the future so they can figure out the most equitable way to get there.
The truth is that most of us don’t really want to hurt our former partners. Divorce can be contentious, but that’s generally because of high emotions and fear of being taken advantage of. Traditional litigation encourages spouses to think of divorce as a zero-sum game, where every small victory for their partner is a loss for them. This is especially true when it comes to spousal support – nobody wants to end up having to pay more than they can afford or get stuck in poverty just because their ex had a better lawyer. But when you use a more cooperative method like mediation, you don’t have to worry about winning and losing. By working together with your former spouse, you can find solutions that leave everyone satisfied and financially secure.
Tips for Handling Spousal Support
Because the mediation process will be driven by you and your spouse, it helps to prepare yourself before you get started. Here are a few tips:
Be Respectful – This can sometimes be a big ask, especially if your relationship ended poorly. However, mediation is a highly cooperative process, so it only really works if you’re willing to be respectful and hold discussions in good faith. Remember that the goal is to reach a mutual agreement, not to win arguments.
Put Emotions Aside – This is often an even bigger ask and can even feel impossible sometimes. It’s very common to start the divorce process with strong feelings of resentment, anger, frustration, or grief. These emotions are perfectly normal and even healthy. However, when you’re in a mediation session, letting your feelings control you can be counterproductive. Keep in mind that a mediation session is a neutral space and the goal is to work together.
Be Patient – A significant part of the mediation process is figuring out your own needs and understanding your spouse’s interests. This can take time. While mediation usually resolves disputes significantly more quickly than litigation, you’re still potentially looking at several weeks or even months of negotiation.
Find the Right Mediator – Finding a mediator you can work with is vital, and at Forester Family Law we think we can be a great fit. Formed during the COVID-19 pandemic by Sacramento family law attorney Neil Forester, FFL is a primarily virtual firm that blends creative ADR methods with discrete advisory counseling to help clients resolve a divorce, parenting dispute, or other family law conflict – outside the courtroom confines. Neil, a self-described “recovering litigator,” spent 18 years working in family law in Sacramento before discovering a passion for working outside the courtroom, and he brings the full weight of that experience to every case. If you’re interested in scheduling a consultation with Neil, you can contact us through our website here or give us a call at (916) 234-6060.